Dear Mr./Miss [YOUR NAME HERE]
Congratulations! You have made a wise decision, no doubt
after much consideration and with no malice aforethought. You want to be a representative
of your generation on The Internet. Good for you!
In today’s hyper-realized mega-culture, too many voices
constantly clamor for our attention, leaving us numb to any sort of reasoned
thoughts that might exist in the aether, and often incapable of recognizing those
thoughts when we stumble across them.
This is where YOU come in. Yes, you! Are you not chock-full
of the attributes that constitute your arbitrarily and narrowly defined “generation?”
That makes you the perfect person to step out of the crowd and make your voice
heard over the din! Be an “influencer!” A “taste-maker!” Why, if you play your
cards right, you might one day become “an Internet Sensation!”
Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? But, hold on there, Eager
Beaver. Before you go running off, nilly-willy, and start banging on your
keyboard like a belligerent grotesque, there are a few things you’ll need to
know in order to be the best, most intensely saturated version of your digital
self that you can be. These simple principles will ensure that you appeal to
the broadest possible swath of humanity, who are most often going to experience
you in their worse possible state of mind, such as sitting on the toilet, or waiting in
line at the Department of Motor Vehicles.
