My FenCon Schedule and Why You Should Care

This is my first appearance at FenCon IX this year and I am really happy to be attending as a regional guest. This year I really expanded my "local show footprint" to include some shows that have asked me to attend before, but I was unable to due to other commitments, time, funding issues, etc.

If you've never been to FenCon, and you live in the Dallas/Fort Worth area, click on the link above and consider coming out for it. There's a good group of folks running it, and a nice, wide spread of guests, so there really is something for everyone.

The other reason why you should come out is pure selfishness on my part: I want to see you. I have so many friends in the Metroplex area that I never get to visit with. Even if you just come hang out at the bar, I would love to be your evening's entertainment. So, think about it. And hey, while we're on the subject, here's my panel schedule, below:

The Future of Comics Friday  8:00 PM  Addison Lecture Hall

FenCon Squares Saturday  10:00 AM  Trinity I - IV

Autographs Saturday  11:00 AM  Gallery

Reading *Brunch With Barbarians!* (See Below) Saturday  12:00 PM  Pecan

Sherlock v Holmes Saturday  1:00 PM  Red Oak

WTF, Zombies?!? Saturday  7:00 PM  Pecan

50 Years of Web-Spinning & Smashing Saturday  8:00 PM  Live Oak

80 Years of Conan Sunday  2:00 PM  Addison Lecture Hall

But It's Funny! Sunday  3:00 PM  Red Oak

*Brunch With Barbarians* is actually my reading slot and Heroic Fantasy Quarterly editor Adrian Simmons' reading slot mooshed together to make one hour long happening. We'll have food and drink for anyone who wants to come listen to our readings from Noon to 1 PM on Saturday. That's right, we're THOSE guys.

Cthulhu Beer (My Dark Secret)

I used to work for Chessex Manufacturing, out in Berkeley, California as their editor in chief for their creative division. It was one the coolest, and also one of the most frustrating jobs I ever had. I won't go into it here, because it's a tale best told over beer, and with some help from my friend Weldon Adams, who was there with me. The story is more of a performance piece, really. It requires props and a brief intermission for a costume change.  Ask me about it at a convention sometime.

But that's not why I called you here today. I am coming clean about something that has taken on a kind of cool cult status in popular culture. I'm the guy who originated Cthulhu barware. I know that seems like a small distinction of note, but bear with me. I'll try to make it relevant.

Chessex Manufacturing was making etched glasses, among other things, in the mid to late 1990s. Stuff like Vampire: The Masquerade wine glasses with the creepy ankh logo on them. This was in addition to their regular line of gaming accessories, dice, battle mats, dice, vinyl book covers, dice, gaming bric-a-brac, dice lead miniature cases, dice, paint, dice, and oh yeah, speckled dice. 

Weldon was in charge of research and development, and that job was only slightly more glamorous than my job title of editor in chief. He and I together worked on roughly 75% of the line projects together in some way. He had a few of his own things going, as did I, but since we lived and worked together, there was a lot of cross-contamination. Anyway.

As was the usual deal back then, we needed to put out something new. Some new product. Something to generate cash, and quick. And so we were all feeling the pressure. Weldon mentioned that he'd like to do something with the glassware. We'd already made Vampire clan glasses to go with the T-shirts, and there were some coffee cups with biohazard printed on them (we didn't come up with that), and those projects were pretty easy to do. But what? Weldon wanted to do pint glasses, but that wasn't really a Vampire-ish thing. Hey, we needed new glasses for the apartment. What can I tell you?

I don't know where the idea came from, but I first suggested fake beer labels with a cthuloid slant to them, but played straight, as if they were actual beers from an actual tavern--and Weldon said, "you mean, like the Whateley Ale House?" Perfect. So, off we go, and since I was all hepped up with the Lovcraftian references, I worked with our house artist, Chris McGee, to design three different logos: Arkham Pale Ale, Dunwich Dark, and Innsmouth Stout (which had the awesome slogan, "Taste the Taint"). We designed them to look like real beer labels, and as an afterthought, Weldon suggested a pitcher with the Whateley Ale House logo--a dancing satyr.

We made sets out of three glasses and a pitcher, and also offered the glasses for sale separately. The sets were limited to five hundred and were signed and authenticated as actual barware from this non-existent brew pub. Everyone liked the logos, so we also offered them as T-shirts.

The powers-that-be got their wish. The sets sold--in fact, they oversold and had to allocate them. Cool. Ditto the glasses and the T-shirts. It was one of the top selling lines that month. We shipped everything to the game stores across the country, and the products were instantly sucked up as if with a Dyson Sphere.

And that's my story. Chessex never went back to print on any of them. In fact, shortly after that, both me and Weldon left the company and they changed hands several times. Chessex manufacturing is still around, making dice, paints, cases, and so forth. But they haven't made anything that cool in a long, long time.

Now other people have made barware, but I don't think theirs is as cool as ours was. I have always loved the idea of a shirt or a glass that, if you aren't a geek, looks completely legitimate to them. These beer labels did that.

Years later, at an ArmadilloCon, a friend of a friend was introduced to me, and he was wearing a Dunwich Dark T-shirt. I hadn't seen one since I was in California, and when I told him that I had designed that, he practically fell to his knees to thank me. The shirt, he informed me, was responsible for a lot of his geek cred. In fact, he confided, he also had the Arkham Pale Ale shirt, but he'd stored it in his garage and some rats got ahold of it...which, if you know your Lovecraft, makes the shirt one hundred times cooler. He still wore that one on special occasions. I didn't ask what those were.

Curious, I went home and looked up the barware and was shocked to find it selling for over a hundred bucks at online auctions. If you have any of these, hold on to them. They are legit collector's items. And here's the rub: I lost my set of glasses in a move. Weldon never even got a set to begin with. Of all the stuff I've ever worked on, those slipped through my fingers. But at least I can show you what the logos looked like. I think they hold up. These were scanned off of the glasses themselves, hence the quality, but you get the idea.

Looking back over this post, I see now that I failed to make it relevant in any way, shape or form. It just comes off as self-indulgent. Sorry about that. I was very excited to find these logos online, having not seen them in over a decade, and wanted to share them with you.

At least now you know what I want for Christmas!

TV Confessions

Look, I'm not proud of this, okay? But me and Cathy regularly watch Storage Wars.

I know, I know. You don't have to tell me. Yes, it IS a train wreak. OF COURSE it's contributing to the steady decline of our civilization. I get ALL of that. I do. And I am aware that as people who watch the show, we are contributing to the increasing level of Schadenfreude-ization in this country. You're right, absolutely, 100%

I have no defense for this. But I do have an explanation. We make it a drinking game. It's our Wednesday Blitzkrieg, if you will. I'm starting to believe that the only way to really watch and enjoy Reality TV (and what an ironic name for this stuff) is to make it a drinking game. Done correctly, you should wake up the next day, questioning all of your entertainment choices and debating whether or not you ever want to go through that again. It's the only way to get people off of the habit. Or create more alcoholics. Either way.

Again, let me stress this: it's not high art. I know that. There's something debasing and wrong about all of reality television. Even when it comes to the "philanthropy shows" like Extreme Home MakeOver, it's a good idea to remember that they are always selling something. Advertising, lies, American myths, dish washing soap. Nothing is for free. And this stuff is empty calories, mentally speaking. However, I think that a cheeseburger, now and again, is an okay thing. In moderation. And with no illusions about what you are consuming. Okay, enough with the disclaimers. Here's our list of conditions for the game:

Take one drink whenever:

1. Dave says Yeeeeeeeeah! This is usually the "lightning round"  portion of the show and will likely finish you off.

2. Darrell mentions "the wow factor." (expanded to include any variation of the phrase, "This is why we do this,  folks."

3. Barry makes a comment that implies he was a former mobster and is now in the witness protection program. An example: "Hey, an ice chest. This is probably where they keep the severed head."

4. Jarrod is an asshole to Brandi.

5. Brandi is right, thus making Jarrod the asshole.

Take two drinks whenever:

6. Dave lucks into some crazy find, like valuable old wooden golf clubs.

7. Darrell thinks he lucked into a crazy find, only to discover it's junk.

8. Barry "knows a guy" who ends up being famous or weirder than him.

9. Jarrod and Brandi actually end up agreeing on a locker.

10. Barry brings a "helper" with him, like a psychic or a little person.

11. Brandi bids on a locker.

12. Two of the characters actually have a civil moment with one another.

Take three drinks (or a shot) whenever:

13. Barry is the big winner.

14. Dave is the big loser.

15. Anyone goes into negative amounts.

NOTE: Finn's Wake management staff is not responsible for any/all cases of alcohol poisoning that will inevitably occur during the participation of this activity. I'm broke, so don't bother suing me.