I'm Updating My Terms of Service

Since this whole Game of Thrones thing really pushed Questionable Internet Behavior into the limelight, there have been a rash of petitions, admonishments, snarky commentary from media outlets, and the shaming of the shamers who have shamed the anti-shamers by shaming the shamed, who frankly, should be ashamed. It's been a tire fire, combined with a train wreck, and it is now hopping to each next new thing, in order to be replayed from the top, a playlist full of regretful choices.

Can we blame the media for picking up on it, really? The last time we saw a bootlegger reverse this spectacular was in Smokey and the Bandit: one minute, everyone is bursting with joy at the start of the final season, and then just as quickly, there was blood in the water and sharks all around.

Nevertheless, I've been wrestling with my part in this, small as it is, and how I tend to spend a lot of my digital time discussing what I liked and didn't like about stuff. It's been an up and down enterprise, especially since I'm not known for my brevity. I would rather err on the side of writing too much than not saying enough and having myself misconstrued.

Right now, the online push is coming from the group that wants people to be left alone to enjoy things uncritically. Fans. Any commentary is being pounced upon and worried to an uncomfortable silence. Usually it's because someone started an online petition or an online boycott campaign. There's been a lot of that going around, too, but that's another topic for another time.

I thought that for some of you who don't know me personally, and don't hear my voice when you read my posts, it would be a great opportunity to revisit and update my terms of service agreement for you, the consumer of said posts. These changes go into effect immediately. You pushing these words into your eye holes constitutes tacit acceptance, so neener neener.

So, You Want to Be the Voice of Your Generation…

Dear Mr./Miss [YOUR NAME HERE]

Congratulations! You have made a wise decision, no doubt after much consideration and with no malice aforethought. You want to be a representative of your generation on The Internet. Good for you!

In today’s hyper-realized mega-culture, too many voices constantly clamor for our attention, leaving us numb to any sort of reasoned thoughts that might exist in the aether, and often incapable of recognizing those thoughts when we stumble across them.

This is where YOU come in. Yes, you! Are you not chock-full of the attributes that constitute your arbitrarily and narrowly defined “generation?” That makes you the perfect person to step out of the crowd and make your voice heard over the din! Be an “influencer!” A “taste-maker!” Why, if you play your cards right, you might one day become “an Internet Sensation!”

Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? But, hold on there, Eager Beaver. Before you go running off, nilly-willy, and start banging on your keyboard like a belligerent grotesque, there are a few things you’ll need to know in order to be the best, most intensely saturated version of your digital self that you can be. These simple principles will ensure that you appeal to the broadest possible swath of humanity, who are most often going to experience you in their worse possible state of mind, such as sitting on the toilet, or waiting in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles.