Tuesday, September 6, 2011

TV Confessions

Look, I'm not proud of this, okay? But me and Cathy regularly watch Storage Wars.

I know, I know. You don't have to tell me. Yes, it IS a train wreak. OF COURSE it's contributing to the steady decline of our civilization. I get ALL of that. I do. And I am aware that as people who watch the show, we are contributing to the increasing level of Schadenfreude-ization in this country. You're right, absolutely, 100%

I have no defense for this. But I do have an explanation. We make it a drinking game. It's our Wednesday Blitzkrieg, if you will. I'm starting to believe that the only way to really watch and enjoy Reality TV (and what an ironic name for this stuff) is to make it a drinking game. Done correctly, you should wake up the next day, questioning all of your entertainment choices and debating whether or not you ever want to go through that again. It's the only way to get people off of the habit. Or create more alcoholics. Either way.

Again, let me stress this: it's not high art. I know that. There's something debasing and wrong about all of reality television. Even when it comes to the "philanthropy shows" like Extreme Home MakeOver, it's a good idea to remember that they are always selling something. Advertising, lies, American myths, dish washing soap. Nothing is for free. And this stuff is empty calories, mentally speaking. However, I think that a cheeseburger, now and again, is an okay thing. In moderation. And with no illusions about what you are consuming. Okay, enough with the disclaimers. Here's our list of conditions for the game:

Take one drink whenever:

1. Dave says Yeeeeeeeeah! This is usually the "lightning round"  portion of the show and will likely finish you off.

2. Darrell mentions "the wow factor." (expanded to include any variation of the phrase, "This is why we do this,  folks."

3. Barry makes a comment that implies he was a former mobster and is now in the witness protection program. An example: "Hey, an ice chest. This is probably where they keep the severed head."

4. Jarrod is an asshole to Brandi.

5. Brandi is right, thus making Jarrod the asshole.

Take two drinks whenever:

6. Dave lucks into some crazy find, like valuable old wooden golf clubs.

7. Darrell thinks he lucked into a crazy find, only to discover it's junk.

8. Barry "knows a guy" who ends up being famous or weirder than him.

9. Jarrod and Brandi actually end up agreeing on a locker.

10. Barry brings a "helper" with him, like a psychic or a little person.

11. Brandi bids on a locker.

12. Two of the characters actually have a civil moment with one another.

Take three drinks (or a shot) whenever:

13. Barry is the big winner.

14. Dave is the big loser.

15. Anyone goes into negative amounts.

NOTE: Finn's Wake management staff is not responsible for any/all cases of alcohol poisoning that will inevitably occur during the participation of this activity. I'm broke, so don't bother suing me.
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